The 21 Questions This Relationship Coach Urges You to Ask Before Marriage

Between coaching sessions, media interviews, and writing days, her schedule rarely leaves much space – but here she is, speaking to us from her home in Miami, pitch-black hair framing her face, voice warm but measured as she reflects on the questions that so often go unasked.

Turecki draws on both professional and personal experience when it comes to relationship advice. “My former husband and I were perfectly compatible – on paper. But we didn’t work out,” she says of her first marriage; an experience that sparked her deep curiosity about love, attachment, and why relationships succeed or fall apart.

Now splitting her time between Florida and New York, the The New York Times bestselling relationship coach is known for her grounded, science-backed approach to modern love. Clear-eyed, compassionate, and refreshingly practical, she has worked with thousands of couples over the past decade. That same sensibility runs through her book, released in January 2025 that became an instant The New York Times and USA Today bestseller: It Begins With You.

Should I Take the Leap, Or Not?

And that, as we quickly discover during our conversation, is the key: it really begins with you – with the relationship you have with yourself first and foremost. “You know, the question I get asked the most (or definitely one of the top five) is: should I stay, or should I go?” Turecki says.

Unless a relationship is abusive or fundamentally unworkable, she invites people to turn inward first. “I think the hardest thing for us to do in a relationship is to take 100% responsibility for our contribution to whatever is not working,” she says. “That doesn’t mean you’re responsible for 100% of what’s wrong. But it means you take 100% responsibility for your part.”

And that work, she notes, can feel especially difficult when you love someone but you’re unhappy. “You have to first ask yourself: how have I fallen short as a partner? If you can be honest about that – and then show up as the partner you want to be, regardless of what they’re doing – you might start to shift the dynamic. And if you can’t, or if it still doesn’t change the dynamic, then at least you’ll know.” Too often, though, people approach relationships in reaction, rather than reflection. “A lot of people live their relationship in constant reaction to their partner – like a walking trigger, waiting to explode,” she says. “One comment reminds them of an ex, or of childhood, and suddenly they’re in a fight or they withdraw completely.”

Her prime marriage advice? Cultivate curiosity. “We need to get better at regulating ourselves, so we’re not constantly reacting. Instead, we should get curious – about what’s being said, about how we’re reacting, and about how we can communicate better.”

Get Attuned to Each Other’s Emotional Language

This curiosity extends, of course, to understanding that every relationship is a kind of conversation in a language we must learn. “We’re raised differently, we have different emotional backgrounds. You need to get to know how someone sees the world, and how they see love,” she says.

Attachment styles (now a buzzword in many Instagram feeds) can offer some insight here, but Turecki is quick to add nuance. “Everyone is on a spectrum. The more insecure you are, the more challenges you’ll face, but it’s not impossible. People can heal and change. The key is building emotional maturity and finding security inside yourself.”

She also cautions against the overuse of pop psychology terms online. “Words like ‘narcissist’ and ‘gaslighting’ – these are real things, but they’re being thrown around so casually now that they lose meaning,” she says. “Sometimes someone’s just disagreeing with you. That’s not gaslighting.”

At the heart of it all is a simple but often overlooked truth: “The more we rely on a relationship as our only source of happiness,” Turecki says, “the more anxious we’ll feel within it. You need other sources of purpose in your life, outside of your partner, and that’s so important.”

The Key Topics to Discuss Before Next Life Steps

Turecki is quick to say she wouldn’t recommend therapy or coaching for every couple at all times, but when it comes to big life steps, some form of guidance or mentorship can make all the difference. “If you’re going to get married, I think premarital counselling is really important,” she says. “For some people that mentor is a therapist, for others it’s a rabbi or a priest. It doesn’t have to be clinical. But the goal is the same: get in there before things become so ingrained or corrosive that they’re harder to resolve. Catch the monster while it’s young.”

So what are the conversations she wishes more couples would have earlier – ideally long before they move in together, merge finances, or say I do? “Money and sex are the two most important,” she says. “But there are several others too.”

Here, her essential topics to discuss before taking a major step in your relationship:

1. Money

“What does money mean to you? How were you raised to think about it? Was it scarce? Did it grow on trees?”
Explore not just practical logistics (who earns what, who contributes what) but the emotional story each of you carries about money. “Some see it as freedom, others as safety. Some were raised in scarcity, others in abundance. You have to understand this.”

Practical questions to ask:

• Will we have separate and joint accounts?
• How will we decide who contributes what?
• How will we manage spending and saving – both short term and for the future?
• What do we want to set aside for children (if we choose to have them)?
• Do we need a prenup? (Especially if there’s an income gap)

2. Sex

“So many people carry unconscious shame about sex and their bodies. Couples need to talk about this openly.”

Key questions:

• How important will we make our sex life?
• How do we each experience desire – what turns us on, what makes us feel connected?
• How will we handle periods where one of us isn’t in the mood, or when life with children creates exhaustion?
• How can we talk about unmet needs in the bedroom without shame or blame?

“Foreplay begins long before touch – with how you look at each other, how you admire each other in life.”

3. Children

“Are we going to have children or not? How many? Is adoption on or off the table? What happens if we can’t get pregnant?”

And if you do have children:

• How do we want to raise them?
• What values do we want to instill?
• What kind of schooling do we want? (Public, private, homeschooling?)
• How will we share responsibilities – who will be involved from our families?

4. Religion and Spirituality

“This can be a huge issue if it’s not discussed,” Turecki says. Especially in interfaith relationships:

• How will we honour each other’s faith traditions?
• What religious or spiritual practices will we bring into the home?
• How will we raise children, if we have them – will one faith dominate? Both? Neither?
• How will we celebrate holidays, and with whom?

5. The Hard Stuff

Finally, talk about the inevitables:

• How will we support each other through illness, loss, difficult seasons?
• What is our commitment to each other when things get really hard?
• What kind of support system do we have – extended family, friends, community?
• How do we want to navigate ageing and later stages of life together?

“If you’re getting married, premarital counselling is so important. Whether it’s a therapist, a rabbi or a priest, the goal is the same; to catch things early, before they become too ingrained to resolve. Catch the monster while it’s young.”

“It’s about whether you agree on what a life well-lived life looks like. Do you share a vision for the kind of life you want to build? And do you agree on what the relationship itself is meant to be? Is it about companionship? Growth? Adventure? Security? I often invites couples to write a relationship mission statement.”

“It shocks me how few people talk about these things before they commit seriously,” Turecki says. “I didn’t have these conversations before I got married, and I wish I had.”

At the heart of all these conversations (from money to sex to parenting) lies the bigger question: what does compatibility actually mean?

“It’s not about liking all the same things,” Turecki says. “In fact, the differences are what make a relationship interesting. You don’t want to be with someone exactly like you – you’d never want to sleep with them.” She laughs, but she’s serious too.

In her view, compatibility is less about matching routines and more about aligning on purpose. “It’s about whether you agree on what a life well-lived life looks like. Do you share a vision for the kind of life you want to build? And do you agree on what the relationship itself is meant to be? Is it about companionship? Growth? Adventure? Security? What’s your mission together?”

She often invites couples to write a relationship mission statement – something that can evolve, but keeps them grounded in shared intention.

“It amazes me how often couples skip these conversations before taking such big steps, whether it’s buying a house or getting married. Money and sex are the two most important, but there are several others too.”

But what happens when one person grows and the other doesn’t? Or when both grow, but in different directions? “That’s real too,” she says. “Growth doesn’t always look the same. For one person, it might be learning guitar. For another, it’s deep personal work. The key is to stay open – to be flexible, curious, and to keep finding each other as you both change.”

Sometimes, though, people do grow apart. “People get married and twenty years later realize they’re no longer right for each other. That’s just part of life.” The ideal, she says, is to be able to name that honestly, and part gracefully. “I know people who are decoupling really well. They’re best friends, just no longer lovers. They’re doing it right.”

Because in the end, she says, “It’s not just about staying. It’s about staying in the right way – or, if needed, parting in the right way. Because we’re not talking about a few months; we’re talking about a whole lifespan here. And these are crucial topics we don’t talk about enough.”

To see more of Jillian Turecki’s work and purchase her book, visit her website.